Igniting the Fire - How to Motivate Your Kids

By Stacey Wolking

 

All children are born with a nearly unquenchable curiosity and a strong desire to become independent individuals. How many times have you heard your toddler say [or scream], “I can do it myself!”? This God-given natural motivation to learn, fill up their little sponge-brains, and be independent serves them well.

Sadly, all too often, we unwittingly squash a child’s natural curiosity and independence because, frankly, we can get tired-of or overwhelmed-by the myriads of questions they ask and the additional time it takes to let them be independent. For example, we all know it takes more time to let them do chores, get dressed, or do a task all-by-themselves. Of course, we need to answer their questions, but on the other hand, we need to teach them the skills (and the desire) to figure things out for themselves. One way to do this is by responding to their questions with a question that will help them develop astute powers of observation and critical thinking skills.

The key here is to engage. And yes, it may be quicker to just answer their question, or do it for them, but it is far more productive that we teach them to be independent and how to think things through! In reality, kids love to be challenged!

Experts say that children tend to be innately self-motivated till about six or seven years old. It is critical that we not miss this window of opportunity to help them develop the skills and attitudes that will feed their life-long self-motivation and initiative. So, let’s slow down, seize the moment, and apply these four principles to inspire their self-motivation.

1.       The power of WORDS

Young children are naturally motivated to please their parents, so let’s give them lots of opportunities for praise. Unfortunately, it is so much easier to point out their mistakes and gloss over the good, but it should be the opposite – let’s make a big deal of the good by being specific with your praise as well as give them hope for the mistakes. “That didn’t turn out so well, did it? What could you try different next time?” Our kids will feel empowered to try new things and do them well when we create circumstances for them to be successful or make a point to “catch” them doing good. This will build their self-esteem which is vital to self-motivation. Help them develop tenacity by praising their efforts, not just successes. Kids are motivated by praise!

Be sure to ‘say what you mean’ and ‘mean what you say’.  If we tell them that we will get off the phone and help them tie their shoelaces in two minutes, but it stretches to fifteen, they will learn how to deal with time the same way. The next time you say, “It’s bedtime.” and they say, “Just two more minutes.” you can bet they won’t mean it either.

Talk to them with RESPECT.  Ask them questions. Find out what makes them tick and motivates them. More than anything else, asking them about how they feel and what they think, conveys love and respect. Kids desperately want to be taken seriously, so acknowledge and validate their feelings and respect their opinions. Encourage your children to ask questions and express new ideas without ridicule or correction. If you can’t agree with them, encourage them with “I hadn’t thought of it that way.” or “that’s an interesting way of looking at it.” Never be dismissive or laugh at them – and we must avoid those eye rolls. Never say, “You wouldn’t understand”, instead, help them to understand. Never compare them to their siblings or others, instead help them find their own uniqueness.

If you are discussing a problem, ask them to suggest a solution. Be a good listener, be flexible and willing to adjust and try new things. Encourage your child to dream/think about their future by asking them questions but avoid influencing their thoughts. Set a great example and be sure to apologize when you are wrong.  Include them in adult conversations, especially when you have company in your home. Make a point of hosting a missionary family for dinner and let the children hear and be inspired about a different way of life.

Bonus tip: It seems like around the time that kids get to middle school age they can often come across as self-absorbed and selfish. To get them to tune in and listen, start by talking about how it is going to affect them. “If you would like to go to your friend’s house, please first take out the trash.”, “You will earn some video time when you kindly play with your little brother.”, “I know you don’t want to mop the floor; so please take off your muddy shoes.” Or start a sentence with, “Which would you prefer . . .?” or “I am so pleased with you when you . . .” See if that doesn’t help to catch their attention.

2.   Let them make CHOICES and take risks.

When kids push-back and are uncooperative, it is often from not feeling heard or being part of the decision making; they get frustrated when they have no say in the matter. Letting them make some choices develops their good decision-making skills. We mustn’t be too quick to solve their predicaments. They will become self-reliant when we let them wrestle with and come up with their own plan-of-action.

Make a point of asking for their input, they might even come up with creative solutions for your problems as well.  And remember, kids will make mistakes. (We all do!) They need to know that they will fail AND that’s ok. Just ask Bill Gates, James Dyson, Walt Disney and Steve Jobs, all billionaires that experienced great failure before their successes. Making mistakes can be a good thing if it is used to learn how to bounce/come-back from them. Albert Einstein said, “Failure is success in progress.” Let’s teach our kids to be resilient by focusing on solutions rather than dwelling on setbacks. When we allow them to use their own initiative and make some mistakes – they will own it.

Do you want to protect your children or prepare them for the future? Not only should we let them make some choices, but also allow them to take some risks as they will often learn from natural consequences. We must help them to believe that they have what it takes to make it in this world! That confidence will create initiative and motivate them. Encouraging them to do things that challenge and stretch them makes them feel grown-up and valuable to the family unit. Give them lots of opportunities to prove themselves; it shows them that you believe in them and see them as capable. This results in them becoming confident in who they are!

Parents often mistakenly hold back their kids, especially their firstborns. Whether we are hesitant out of fear, laziness, or our inability to see that our children are growing up, we must recognize that we are sending the message that we don’t believe they are capable. Have you ever had the experience of being away from your children for a few days and coming back, you think, “whoa! When did that happen? When did they get so big?!” For some reason, we tend to continue to see them as little and often forget to give them more challenges and responsibilities as they grow up. Periodically, we need to step back, get a fresh perspective and see our kids as the maturing, growing people that they are. They truly crave to be seen as mature individuals, worthy of your trust and respect. Let’s not hold them back, instead communicate your trust and confidence in them.

3.   Encourage INDEPENDENCE and ambition.

When they are young, give them their own to-do/check-off list; they will love that sense of accomplishment as much as we do. When they are a bit older (3rd or 4th grade?), with your assistance, let them create their own to-do lists. Rough out a plan, set measurable goals, and set estimated time to be sure you aren’t overscheduling. We want them to be challenged, but not feel loaded down with too much work; help them find the right balance. We also want them to show initiative and not waste time waiting for us to solve their problem or answer their question. When the student sees the big picture and has their own list, they will be more inclined to figure things out for themselves and move on without us. Be sure to create a stimulating environment, not a demanding one.

Capitalize on your children’s interests and passions. Have them alphabetize their favorite baseball cards or do fractions while baking. Include older children in curriculum decisions: what science topic is he interested in? Would she rather write a paper or do a project? What foreign language interests her?

Help them see the value of what they are learning. Physics might be more fun if they are learning how roller coasters work. If you have a student that likes to write, grammar might not be so tedious if learned in the context of story writing. Math might make more sense if they are helping you at the grocery store to buy food on a budget or making money at a lemonade stand.

Create an environment that is conducive to learning by eliminating distractions and establishing and consistently enforcing clear rules and the expected progress. Create a rubric to determine how you are going to grade and share it with your child; some kids are very motivated by grades. Talk to them about what it means to work efficiently by staying focused, breaking a task down into small steps and applying good study practices. Don’t assume kids know how to be organized as it doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Specifically teach them how to organize their time and schoolwork. With these skills, they will be motivated to take responsibility and work independently.

Make it worth their while. On a day when your child gets his work done in an efficient and timely manner, (and without any reminders), head out for some impromptu ice cream - (see principle 1 above – “make a big deal of the good”.) Let your child know that you are pleased that he completed his work so that there is time for fun things like this. Rewards of computer or TV time for timely work well-done can be effective as well. Many years ago, my kids were very motivated to get their chores and schoolwork done by 3pm so they could watch “Wishbone,” a dog’s re-enactment of classic literature. (They loved it so much that they didn’t even realize that it was more “school” learning) We are not talking about bribes here, but incentives do motivate kids and build their self-confidence! And if needed, let there be natural consequences for wasting time – maybe miss out on some family fun time or losing their video or free time so they can get caught up.

Joanne Calderwood says she has found “The Secret to Homeschooling Freedom.”  In her experience, once a child understands and believes that they can learn independently, they will be motivated to do more on their own. She accomplishes this by giving every child their own planner and letting them establish their own goals and systematically trains them in this process from a young age. If you would like to know more about this method, check out her book, “The Self-Propelled Advantage: The Parent's Guide to Raising Independent, Motivated Kids Who Learn with Excellence.”

 

4.   Create a “WE” TEAM atmosphere.

Now, roll all the things we’ve already discussed above and think “team.” Sadly, we often get into the “us (parents)-vs-them (kids)” mode, when instead, our kids need to feel confident that we are on their team and will help them accomplish their greatest goals and desires. If something isn’t working for them or school is too challenging, brainstorm together to find the solution.

More suggestions for creating a family team environment:

 

From an early age, by encouraging and equipping them, as well as allowing them to make choices and mistakes, and take risks, they will be inspired to be self-motivated independent learners.

By igniting this fire of self-motivation, you will increase their chances of success in school and for the rest of their lives!

 

 

More resources:

 http://afineparent.com/be-positive/positive-reinforcement.html

 Connected Hearts Journal

"Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff."  (Catherine M. Wallace, cultural historian, literary theologian and college writing professor)

 

 

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